If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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