you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
