The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
