If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
