Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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