No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i think i have herpe
just one?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
