I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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