she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
