is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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