I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
