Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
