theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
