I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
