i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
