so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
