Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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