Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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