Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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