it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
