I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
