Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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