This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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