I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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