Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
