my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
