the day after is always just damage control
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
