I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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