I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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