I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
