Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
