I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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