i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize