Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
