The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
