dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize