I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
