why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
