im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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