I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
They have beer where we have blood.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
