My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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