I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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