Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
