This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
