I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
