She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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