Whod you bang
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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