My hand turned me down
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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