i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
