I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
