I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
God, I missed his penis.
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