Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize