I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
