I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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