So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
