Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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