Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
