Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
