She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
