I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
