Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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