I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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