3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
