I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
