Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'd cum for enchiladas.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize