The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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