we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
