At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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