wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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