i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
