Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
