forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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